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Friday, 09 May 2008

  • So.

    Hey... it's been a while. The last post still holds true... I still grin when I think about prom  I just wish there some more romantic oppurtunities available to us

    So Minnie... we're keeping her, but we found out on Monday that she has heartworms. Otherwise she is healthy, and she hasn't shown any symptoms. Sadly we can't do the actual treatment for her, so we are on another plan that will hopefully kill all of the adults in a year or so... hopefully. Basically, we're gambling her life. If the worms don't die, then she will develop heart failure and die a slow, painful death. But, like I said... we're gonna chance it, and just see what happens. And if it ends badly, we tried, and I won't go on wondering what would have happened.

    So I'm getting a psychiatrist appointment very soon (finally) to see about some anxiety medication. I'm kinda worried about it... one may say I am anxious about getting anxiety medication... interesting. I dunno... what's the worst that can happen? If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work, and nothing changes, which wouldn't be too bad. And if it does work, all it will do is "take the edge off," - essentially, it will calm me down just enough to be able to think RATIONALLY and stop myself from panicking more.

    God that would be nice... all I really need is the extra help, not a pill that will completely do it all for me. So what do I really have to lose?

    So I'm here in Farmville, Virginia to watch my cousin graduate from Longwood. She took us on a tour of the campus and the dorms... and I have to say I'm overwhelmed. But seriously, is that a shock to anyone?

    I just feel for mixed... I would LOVE to live on my own, but not on my own... you know? Like in a apartment in Durham, with Anne or another close friend, close to my parents and other adults I trust, but still... fending for myself. And it just sems kind of exciting.

    But the college kids seem so isolated. It's like all they know is their classmates, the campus, and the places around the campus. Almost like nobody else exists. I could not live like that... and it makes me wonder if ALL college kids get isolated, ans stop thinking about everything outside of their college... if you get my drift...

    -pokes brain- Come on back, please. Anyway... wouldn;t it just get DULL to only have your colege on your mind? I dunno. I couldn't do it. I don't WANT to do it. But I may have to, of course.

    But here's the real issue going on right now...

    In less than a month, two good friends (obviously one is a "special" friend) are graduating and preparing for college. I know I;ve expressed all my ZOMG AHHH stuff about one of them, that's nothng new. But the other friend is one that I've barely expressed any anxious feelings about... Cari. Maybe it's because we're not exactly close friends... not like her and Anne are, or Breaugh. I don't talk to Cari much unless it involves Anne, which kind of disappoints me. I even talk to Breaugh a bit more than I talk to her. And how long have I known her? Since freshman year?

    But I obviously consider her my friend, no question. And I guess I haven't really thought about it much until today, the day before my first graduation ceremony (wait... second actually. But the first one was my mom's boss's son, and his class consisted of 7 people. It doesn't count :P) When she's gone next year... that will be a big change, and that's one less person that will be around. I'm just so used to the group of us, and I'll really miss Cari, I think a lot more than I thought. And I know Anne and Breaugh will REALLY miss, since they've all been friends for years. I think Anne was saying they just had 5 years? Wow. I guess this just feels weird because for a while, she was always Anne's friend Cari who was in our little group, just as I'm sure I was Anne's friend Kasey for a while. To an extent, I still sometimes think like that, because she's more their friend than mine.

    But she's still my friend... and it's another reminder that things are changing a little too fast for my taste. Honestly... I'm probably the only kid in school who honest to God is not exactly looking forward to summer break. I really don't want this change...

    Well, I want this feeling to change. And maybe I need to change for change to happen... maybe? Or am I thinking too hard?

    Well... yeah. That's my life right now. I need to type up more of my story and draw some more Gary... I think it's time to introduce my newest character, i, the Aggrivating Imaginary Number  I can see it now...

    Maybe life's not that bad

Tuesday, 22 April 2008

  • Hello...

    So that last post it horribly out dated. In the end, we decided to take Minnie on trial, and now it looks like we're keeping her. Prom was Saturday... it was Hands Down the "best day I can ever remember..."

    Wathcing American Idol for once... they're doing ALW songs, and I am obliging my boyfriend and watching it :P It is interesting... I actually know a couple (especially from Phantom... darn you Jeff...being all manipulative...)

    So yeah... proctrastinating on a paper now. Hello ^^

Sunday, 06 April 2008

  • Dammit.

    So I haven't written on here for almost a month. And I really thought the next time I wrote I would have happy news to put here. But I don't.

    They're not letting me keep her. I tried, I put my guts out there, I thought of every scenario I could, I answered all their questions in a way I thought would be satisfactory, and did it all with maturity. And they responed with maturity. They talked, they considered my feelings, and they listened to what i had to say... and they said no.

    So someone else gets to have their little agility star. Someone else gets to wake up to Minnie kisses every morning. Someone else gets to make a champ out of what I helped start up. Someone else gets to cuddle with her when they're about to start crying, like I am.

    Fuck it.

    I know she's just a dog, and I know I'm a wimp for being so upset over this, escpecially when I knew she was just a foster. But how the hell was I supposed to know that I would bond with her like that? I didn't. FUCK IT, FUCK IT, FUCK IT. We'll see if I ever have a mature talk with them about something important to me like this again.

    I know this is a bad attitude to have, but I just got the news 10 minutes ago. I'll have more sense and be more mature about it over the next few days. But this is a blog, which means I can express what I feel right now, at this moment. So... FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT!!!

    On the brightside... Evie might get to come back to Jordan next year ^^ That's one of the only really good thinsg to talk about. Yeah.

    It's just a stupid dog anyways. I don't need kisses and cuddling every morning. Naw.

    Kanis

    P.S. Jeanie and James made it worse. I hate you fictional 3 part fire lovers.

Saturday, 15 March 2008

  • So this is the deal.

    ** *Disclaimer* I doubt anyone has read this yet, so I've had time to add this bit. I fee guilty for thinking this stuff now... but just a note... I wasn't angry when I wrote this, just... confused, and a bit frustrated. Not angry >>;;; This is more of  way tp work out my own confusion. **

    It's almost 7:10 am on a Saturday morning. All week I was thinking that Saturday I would sleep til at least nine, or even break my record and go past 9:30, maybe even 10. But no. This is eating my chest, it has kept me awake for almost half an hour, and I don't think there's any chance that I'll go back to sleep without doing something about it.

    So I had this dream last night that some random classmate asked me out. He was an annoying classmate, and I gladly told him I had a boyfriend. He actually didn't look that disappointed in my dream. Then I dreamed I went to Ms. Baker's class and I was about to go horseback riding (in the middle of class o.O), and that I almost got my phone taken away because I forgot to turn it off and took it out to do so. It was weird.

    I guess it was the first part that started making me think about prom (It certainly wasn't the part about being in Ms. Baker's class... oh gosh... ). Ah, but yes... prom... so my boyfriend doesn't want to go. At all. And for a while I convinced myself that I didn't care. And last night, he asked me again if my heart was really set on it, and I felt guilty and kind messed around with the answer, but I think I was able to get across that yes, I did really want to go. I guess I'm just frustrated.

    He's the only person in the world right now that I want to do this for. You know what? I was excited about taking my mom and sister and friend with me to buy my first real dress. I was excited about being girly just for one night. In my head, I had the Disney music playing, and somewhere I imagined walking into wherever he was. Then he'd see me, give a little gasp that no one could hear, and sit there thinking "My god, I didn't know she could look that pretty!" I'd knock his socks off  (Well, that would be kinda strange... I'd have to knock his shoes off too, which would be difficult.) And I was excited about taking a nice prom picture that I could send to all my relatives, one that I could look at all the time, of the two of us smiling and looking nice together. And for once, I could be like "HA world, in your face. Fate actually does care about me, and even sent me their most wonderful angel to be with me."

    Corny, yes, but not an exaggeration.

    You know... all I want is for you to understand what I'm so upset about not going. I mean, it's always "I know, but see, it's like this..." You know... once, could it mybe be "I understand why you're upset about it...", and really mean it, before telling me again why you don't want to go?

    You know, that why I get Anne to talk to you about stuff a lot. I'm not saying it's okay, because I know it isn't. But... when I try to talk to you about something, I feel bad, or we'll get off topic, or you'll change the subject and I'll won't be assertive enough to stop it. Anne, however...( and I know you're probably reading this, and everything I say I mean in the most wonderful way) is very assertive. When she wants to talk about something, she talks, get's everything out, and will not be stopped. That's why I employ her to talk to you for me sometimes, because I haven't learned to do that yet.

    Again, I know that doesn't excuse me, and I will work on it, I swear. Pinky promise -nod-

    I just... I dunno. This is where my words fail me. Sometimes I just feel like I'm never your number #1 priority. I know that I can't be #1 all the time, maybe even not most of the time. There are many occassions where I need to come after a big project, or after work, or school, or other stuff. I know one of my problems is that I over prioritize you a lot... like on a regular weekday when I procrastinate on my homework or stop in the middle of it because you log on. I sit on my bum waiting for you to log on, for hours, and do my homewokr only after we've talked. And my cell phone is right next to the computer, cuz once in a blue moon you might call me, and I'll get to hear your voice. But still, I make you a priority a lot, and you probably don't know it. I hate driving, but a lot of my gas goes to you (and a little bit to Anne... hey Anne, I don't feel bad about buging you... pay up :P) I know that's not your fault, but I sometimes get sick of arguing with my over gas.

    But I don't think I'm thinking right. I bet you do put me as #1 a lot. After all, above I just wrote that you probably didn't realize it when I put you as #1... I bet it's the same thing with me. I just don't realize how much you prioritize me sometimes. Maybe. Ha, see? Xanga is about more than ranting. It allows people to type and come to some peace while ranting. 'Tis a dual purpose :P

    But... yeah. That's what was keeping me awake. Is he being selfish for not understanding why I want to go so badly, and what the whole experience means to me? (And okay, I just chaged tenses again... bahh humbug, it's a rant, not an english paper -.-) Or am I beng selfish for trying make him go when he doesn't want to? In the end, we'll either go or we won't, and one of us is going to have to suck it up and deal with it. And I think I know which one of us it will be. You know... maybe we're both being a bit selfish. It's a joined effort. We're both just a tad bit stubborn  Yeah, that actually makes sense... whoot, I'm good :P

    Okay, now for the good stuff. I've spent the last 45 minutes complaining about something, so...

    I want you (switched tenses again...) to know that I LOVE YOU!!! For real. You are my other half, "the cheese to my macaroni" as Juno would say, the shi- to my -izzle (MAN, I feel hip and cool for coming up with that...), my hero, my idol, my best friend, and one of my favorite people to talk to and spend time with. It's just one of those things... in a perfect world, I'd want to spend the rest of my life with you, starting right now. Well, actually, even in the nonperfect worl we live in I still want to spend the rest of my life with you. But again, an unperfect world... with college, jobs, other people, cockroaches, pigeons, and imaginary raindrops. Who knows. Maybe the sky will cath fire and your NOSE will fall off  (ha... Pochahontas... I haven't seen that in a while...)

    I really want to make sure you know that. I know a lot of my Xanga space is filled with complaints, but that's because that's what this account is for. If I set up another acount to put all the good stuff, then it would probably get updated more han this one. Xanga is a corner painted grey in a colorful room. (Gosh that sounded odd...) I mean, last night was wonderful (I know that sounded bad... that's NOT what I mean you morons >.<) Anyway... it was. I like taking walks with you, and talking next to my car was nice. Very peaceful. And there was quite a bit of cuddling to, which is one of my favorite things. So yeah... last night, you can bet I felt like number one. Heck, I felt like I was on top of the world!!  Like I said, If I had a Xanga for all the good things that happened, it would be twice as full as this one.

    Anyway, yeah. I swear I mean everything I said in that paragraph. I think you've heard most of that before, but I'm telling you again because I mean it. Maybe someday we'll both get the courgae to say this to each other in person

    I've been on here an hour. Time to go. Hey, if *you* read this... let me know that you did. You know who you are. I seriously do feel better now.

    Kanis

    P.S. I said this earlier, but... CONGRATS ON ELON!!! And the scholarship!!! -huggle-

     

Monday, 10 March 2008

  • I'm about to lose it.

    Seriously, I've almost reached the end of my fuse. I can't do it, I don't want to do it, and I honestly cannot see any point in it other than another grade.

    The fact is, I'm not trying as hard, because I just don't really care that much about looking "smart" anymore. For while, that was all I had going for me was my brain. Now... I dunno. I don't care anymore. I've achieved amazing friends and a wonderful boyfriend without being "the smart girl."

    But I don't think that that's any reason to quit trying. So I don't know why I'm giving up. Learned helplessness maybe? I just feel like shit way too much nowadays...

    Now I'm gonna kinda change the subject and mention Sunday. Ah... that was a very strange day indeed... and I'm still really, really confused about what I heard. I'm trying to understand what she said, and what he apparently said to her... it was very overwelming. But maybe not really in a bad way. I mean, it's not like "Bah, I'm confused and I want to shoot myself..." it's more like "Wow... that was a lot... from my two favorite people..." Ya know? Almost the kind of confusion I want to have. Except for the fact that I'm not getting the answers I want... *impatient*...

    This is what I've gathered so far... maybe I'm more important to them than I think I am? Obviously, I had that little epiphany last week, and I saw it then, but it's kinda coming back again. I think. Maybe... maybe I'm wrong. Like I said, I'm confused. I think I might actually devote another post to the two subtopics I want to talk about, but I don't know if I can do that without giving away personal stuff. So I dunno.

    Also on Sunday, I got a stummy ache from all the crap I ate... and peptobismal saved my life. From this moment on it is the hot pink magic. Officially. Yeah. In addition to that, Sunday was... nice. I won't elaborate, but... have I mentioned how much I enjoy cuddling with a certain person? (And another certain person, but... I cuddle with them a lot more than I cuddle with this person.) Gahh... why can't it be like that more often? -sigh-

    Basically, with all this to think about, plus I paper I lost on, I'm going bonkers. And I want to go riding  Hey you, go find me a pony. I could talk to my teacher I suppose, but... say what? "Hi Ms. Baker, I really don't have any idea what I'm doing. I never really learned how to do this stuff." Oh yeah, she'll be thrilled to hear that.

    I'd like to go to sleep and wake up in the middle of April, please. Ah wait... no no, wake up on March 27, then probably stay up that weekend... special day ♥ ... then go back to sleep until April. Yeah, that sounds good.

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Kanidae

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    • Name: Kanidae
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 2/24/2008

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